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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
My life coach just benched me.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."