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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.