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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.