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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??