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Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....