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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.