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Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.