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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.