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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.