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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.