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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.