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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards