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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
I just made you think of an elephant
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.