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The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.