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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
My misery likes tequila, not company.