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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
You are wasting your time reading this status.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.