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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional