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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.