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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.