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Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.