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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.