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The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet