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Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.