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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I don`t care about your status...
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.