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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.