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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?