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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.