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I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
I fake my LOLs
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen