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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.