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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
they say winning doesnt matter then why they had kept scores
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.