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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
there are so many scams on the internet now...... Send me $19.95 an I`ll tell you how you can avoid them
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.