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I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.