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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.