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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.