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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
It needs more cowbell!!