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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!