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Never trust a skinny chef
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.