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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....