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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Hello...
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.