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I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.