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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Save time. See it my way.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat