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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
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