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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?