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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.