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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.