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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?