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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking