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Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.