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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!