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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.