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Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one