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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.