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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.