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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.