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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!