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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.