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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.