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Will be drunk until further notice.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.