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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....