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It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.